The Crack Pot
by maschl
Summary: My collection of silly HP one-shots. Often HHr. Now with Chapter 4, "Harry Potter and the Evil Mokeskin Pouch": Why doesn't Harry simply put Slytherin's Locket with the Horcrux in his Mokeskin pouch instead of carrying it around his neck all the time? Here's why.
1. Big Words

A/N: This was originally just this one one-shot, but I decided to turn this into a collection of all my crack-y short stories, so that I can post a drabble from time to time without cluttering up my profile.

* * *

_**Big Words**_

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_Summary: Harry always listened to Hermione's advice. But after a fight with Malfoy, maybe he should have listened a bit more closely. Violence. HHr._

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Harry and Hermione were making their way back towards their common room after a long day at Hogsmeade.

Suddenly, Hermione grabbed Harry's hand and stopped him. "Did you hear this?" she asked.

Harry looked at her questioningly, but then he noticed a muffled scream originating from one of the abandoned classrooms at the end of the corridor.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and in silent agreement, they ran towards the room. They stopped at the door and readied their wands.

Another scream sounded for a moment but then abruptly stopped.

With a short nod at each other, Hermione pulled the door open, and Harry jumped into the room, directly followed by Hermione.

What they saw made their blood boil. At the front of the classroom, Draco Malfoy was looming over the unconscious body of Luna Lovegood who lay on the teacher's desk. Her face was badly bruised, and her blouse was torn open. Next to Malfoy stood Gregory Goyle who was leering at the girl.

Both Slytherin boys spun around towards the entrance and raised their wands. With their advantage of surprise, Hermione aimed her wand at Malfoy and shouted "Petrificus Totalus", while Harry shot a stunning spell at Goyle. Malfoy fell over petrified, breaking his nose on the floor, and Goyle collapsed as he was hit by the stunning spell.

Harry and Hermione lowered their wands. As their attention was focused on the front of the classroom and Luna, they didn't notice the movement in the far-side corner of the classroom, until the sudden shout of "Reducto!"

Harry reflexively pulled Hermione down and ducked under the incoming curse, which exploded at the wall a few feet behind him. Before the attacker, whom Harry immediately identified as Vincent Crabbe, could cast another spell, the Slytherin was hit by two simultaneous stunners cast by the Gryffindors.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked Hermione with a very loud voice as they stood back up.

"I'm not hurt. What about you?" Hermione answered with a worried look.

"I wasn't hit, but my ears are ringing very loudly from that explosion behind me. It should be all right in a few minutes," Harry replied.

Hermione nodded, giving off a relieved sigh.

"What to do with him?" Harry then asked Hermione, nodding towards the petrified Draco Malfoy, who stared at them hatefully.

"Let's just leave him here incapacitated," Hermione answered with a shrug.

Harry looked at her in surprise. "If you're okay with this, I sure am."

He aimed his wand at the Slytherin.

"_Diffindo_!"

Draco's severed head rolled over the floor.

"What the fuck? You killed him!" Hermione screamed.

"Huh?" Harry wondered. "You told me to decapitate him. Of course that would kill him."

Hermione gave him an incredulous look. "I said incapacitate, not decapitate."

"Oh, sorry," Harry said sheepishly. "I must have misheard. My ears are still ringing from that explosive hex Crabbe nearly got us with. Next time, try not to use big words in a situation like this."

"You- but- you killed him! Oh Merlin, we will be in so much trouble!" Hermione started to fret.

"Well, I'm sorry," Harry said, trying to calm her down. "But don't worry, we'll just have to get rid of the body, and it will seem as if he had simply disappeared- maybe to join up with the Death Eaters."

"All right," Hermione conceded, her agitation subsiding slowly. "But what about Crabbe and Goyle?"

She motioned towards the unconscious figures on the floor. "Apart from Luna, there mustn't be any witnesses of this encounter. Can you obliviate them?"

"Uhmm, sure, but why? Wouldn't that be a bit too messy?" Harry answered, still speaking very loudly.

"No, why, just do it, or do you want me to?" Hermione replied, a bit confused.

"No, no, I'll do it." Harry grinned and aimed his wand at Crabbe at the far side of the classroom.

"_REDUCTO_!"

Hermione screamed as Vincent Crabbe was completely torn apart by the powerful blasting hex. The far-end wall of the classroom was covered with blood.

"Why? Why did you do this, Harry?" Hermione moaned weakly while fighting the urge to vomit.

"Huh? You told me to. You told me to obliterate them," Harry answered.

Hermione pinched her nose in exasperation. "No, I told you to obliviate them. OBLIVIATE! Not obliterate!"

"Ohh, _obliviate_! Yeah, that would have made more sense. Sorry, my hearing is not yet back to normal," Harry replied, a bit embarrassed.

Hermione sighed. "Yeah, so please NO OBLITERATING of Goyle, all right? We'll OBLIVIATE and incarcerate him. You got that?"

"Yes, I did, don't worry."

Harry aimed his wand at Goyle and cast his spell.

"_Obliviate_!".

Hermione gave a relieved sigh.

Then, after a pause, Harry spoke again.

"_Incendio_!"

A stream of flames engulfed the Slytherin boy and burnt him to ash.

Harry then turned around towards Hermione, who was gaping at him with a very pained expression on her face.

"Though..." he began with a questioning look, "I don't know why you wanted me to obliviate him if I was to incinerate him afterwards..."

Hermione took a few calming breaths.

"Because I wanted to INCARCERATE him, not incinerate him," Hermione answered. She was almost crying now.

"I have to admit, I feel a bit silly now," Harry said with a contrite look. "Please forgive me?"

"Oh Harry," Hermione sighed. "I couldn't stay mad at you if I tried. I know you were just doing what you thought I had told you... You're my best friend, of course I forgive you."

Harry's eyes widened in surprise at her last words. "I'm your boyfriend? So our trip to Hogsmeade today was a _date_ date? I didn't know, why didn't you..."

Hermione sputtered, but Harry continued as he moved towards the girl. "But I really like the sound of that, Hermione! I'd love to have you as my girlfriend!"

With that, he brought his lips crashing down on hers. Hermione was completely shocked at this turn of events, but quickly closed her arms around him and kissed him back.


	2. The Animagus Transformation Potion

_**The Animagus Transformation Potion**_

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_Summary: Harry and his friends take a potion to turn into their Animagus forms. The results are not quite what they had hoped for._

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"So, that's all for today," Harry announced, "Now, let's all head back to our common rooms, and try to not get caught by Umbridge or her minions."

It was the end of the first DA meeting in the Room of Requirement after the Christmas holidays. They had made some good progress with the Reductor hex, and Harry was quite knackered.

As he was about to gather his book bag, he noticed Hermione approaching him.

"Harry, Harry, the potion is ready!" the brunette whispered excitedly.

Harry's eyes grew wide, and he smiled broadly. The Animagus Transformation Potion had been Hermione's secret project for the last months. It would allow a witch or wizard to directly turn into their Animagus form, without the need of any tedious training. It was notoriously difficult to brew, but apparently, Hermione had finally managed to finish the potion.

"That's great, Hermione!" Harry exclaimed. "When can we take it?"

"I have it with me," Hermione answered. "It's enough for eight people."

"Great," Harry said enthusiastically.

He turned towards the students that were about to leave the room.

"Ron, Fred, George, Ginny, Neville, Luna, could you please stay back?" he called out.

The Weasley siblings, Neville, and Luna gathered around Harry and Hermione with curious expressions on their faces.

"What's this about?" George asked.

Harry held up his hand in a placating gesture. Only when all other DA members had left the room, he began to speak.

"Hermione has finished the Animagus Transformation Potion," Harry announced to the others' cheers. "We could take it together right now."

The others all knew about Hermione's project already. Mostly because they had all been involved in stealing various potion ingredients from Snape at one point or another. It had been risky, but the advantages of gaining an Animagus form would indubitably be worth it.

"Well done!" Fred exclaimed and patted the girl on the shoulder.

"I'm in," Neville said with a grin.

"I just hope that I won't turn into a Blibbering Humdinger," Luna said serenely.

Hermione scowled, and Harry shook his head with amusement.

The seven Gryffindors and one Ravenclaw sat down in a large cycle on the pillows in the room.

Hermione then removed a large potion phial and several small cups from her book bag. She arranged the cups on the floor in front of her and poured the potion into them in equal parts. Once done, she handed a cup to each of her excited friends.

"Anything we have to be careful of before we start?" Harry asked, eyeing his cup with a little anxiousness.

"Not really," Hermione answered, "It's really quite straight-forward. You drink the potion, turn into your Animagus form, and concentrate on your wish to be human again to turn back. For any emergencies, I have learnt the Animagus Reversal spell. But I don't expect that we'll need it."

"That is so cool!" Ron exclaimed. "Just wait what cool animals we'll turn into! I bet we'll become lions because we're Gryffindors!"

"Or maybe we'll even become magical animals like Griffins," Harry added excitedly.

"That would be amazing!" Neville agreed. "It will give us so much of an advantage in the war. Just imagine us becoming tigers and lions and other large predators for fighting."

"If I had to fight Death Eaters, I think I'd rather be a human with a wand than a lion without one..." Ginny said sceptically, and Hermione nodded in agreement.

"What? That's mental!" Ron exclaimed. "Who wouldn't want to be a lion?"

"Well, anyway," Harry said quickly to prevent the impending argument, "Who wants to go first?"

"I'll go!" Ginny volunteered immediately. "But I hope that I won't be a lion."

She downed her cup and emptied it with one gulp.

For a moment, nothing happened, but then Ginny disappeared with a swirl of colours. A moment later, a small auburn pony stood in her place.

"PONY!" Luna exclaimed, utterly delighted.

She shot up, ran towards the animal and started petting it affectionately. "Ooohhhhh, you're sooo cute!"

"Well, congratulations, you're not a lion," Harry stated flatly.

Fred and George snickered.

A moment later, there was another swirl of colours, and a disgruntled Ginny stood in the place of the pony.

"Awww!" Luna pouted. "Please turn back!"

"A pony? What's a pony good for?" Ginny complained.

"Your fault for not wanting to be a lion," Ron gloated.

"Ron, you can't choose your Animagus form," Hermione said with exasperation. She turned towards Ginny and continued, "And a pony isn't so bad, really. You really _were_ rather cute."

Neville nodded in agreement, but then quickly lowered his gaze to the floor and flushed crimson.

"Cute? What's cute good for?" Ginny replied angrily, "Name one situation where it would be advantageous to be a pony!"

Hermione opened and closed her mouth several times, but apparently, she couldn't come up with a good answer.

"Ginny, it's all right," Harry interjected. "There's no use in being upset about your form. Let's just continue, shall we?"

"YAY!" Luna exclaimed and downed her cup.

The blonde girl disappeared, and the other students blinked.

"Quack quack quack!"

In her place stood a duck.

"Uhm, well, I guess being a duck has its uses?" Harry said to the duck after a pause, "Maybe for spying or something like that? At least you can fly."

"And you're kinda cute, too," Ginny added generously.

"Quack quack quack!" answered the duck. It spread its wings and fluttered a few feet into the air.

Then, the duck swirled and turned back into Luna. The blonde girl ran towards Hermione and embraced her in a tight hug.

"Thank you for turning me into a duck!" she exclaimed as if her greatest wish had just come true. "It's not as good as a Crumple-Horned Snorkack but way better than a Umgubular Slashkilter!"

"Uhm, you're welcome?" Hermione answered and awkwardly patted the blonde girl's back.

"Okayyy, I'll just continue, then, all right?" Harry said.

He raised his cup and carefully sniffed at the potion. It smelled a bit like rancid milk, but considering what many other potions tasted like, he figured it could be worse. He downed the potion and gulped it down quickly. It tasted like rancid milk, too.

His vision blurred. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes again, he looked down on two long arms that were covered with brown, long-haired fur. He had three long fingers on each hand, ending in long, curved claws. They looked rather dangerous, but he noticed that he didn't feel strong enough to move his arms quickly. In fact, he didn't feel strong enough to even hold his body upright. His body length was about three feet as he lay on the floor. He also felt very tired.

Then, it dawned on him: He was a sloth! How could he be a sloth? He wasn't even _that _lazy! Not compared to the other boys in his dorm, at least. Life was _so_ unfair!

He looked up, startled, when the twins and Ron burst into loud laughter. He tried to glare at them, but in his current form, an angry glare wasn't very intimidating. He turned away from the Weasley boys and noticed the perplexed expressions of Hermione, Ginny, and Neville

Luna, in the meantime, was walking towards him with a blissful smile. But before she could start petting him, too, he concentrated on turning back into a human, and his vision blurred again. A moment later, he was back in his own body.

"Well, yes, so that's that," he muttered. "I guess I do like to hang out and relax. But still..."

"I'm sorry, Harry," Hermione said dejectedly. "I know that doesn't help us much..."

"Voldemort versus the Sloth!" George wheezed between bursts of laughter.

"All hail The-Sloth-Who-Lived!" Fred exclaimed.

"Yes, yes, very funny, you two," Harry grumbled.

"Come off it, it's not Harry's fault that he's a sloth," Hermione exclaimed with annoyance.

Ginny snorted but shot Harry an apologetic look when he glared at her.

"It's all right, Hermione," Harry said resignedly, "Let them laugh. I bet your form will be more impressive. You would make a great lioness."

Hermione smiled at him. "Thanks, but I don't want to be a predator, ripping out people's throats. But I hope it's something useful. Maybe something inconspicuous that's good for spying and reconnaissance."

She raised her cup and downed it.

There was a very large swirl of colours, and Harry jumped back with a surprised yelp.

Hermione had turned into a giraffe. The giraffe had to bow its neck to fit under the ceiling and stood shakingly on its thin legs.

All the other students gaped at the large animal before Hermione reappeared with another large swirl of colours.

"BLOODY HELL!" the irate girl screamed. "A giraffe? A BLOODY GIRAFFE? What traits do you even need to have to become a bloody giraffe? I spent three bloody months brewing this bloody potion so that I could become a BLOODY GIRAFFE!?"

"Hermione, dear, please calm down," Harry said soothingly and embraced the girl in a gentle hug. "There's nothing wrong with being a giraffe. I guess it's useful if we have to... uhm... kind of... I don't know... fetch something from the top of a large tree? And I guess you do have rather long and nice legs, and-"

Hermione eeped and Harry snapped his mouth shut, both teens blushing heavily.

There was an awkward silence, until George spoke up, "Well, in the interest of not enraging Hermione any further, let's just ignore what just happened and continue, shall we?"

"I think we shall, dear brother," Fred said. "Cheers, Gred!"

"Cheers, Forge!"

The twins raised their cups and downed the potion.

"Gak gak gak gak!"

"Gak gak!"

In the place of the twins stood two three-foot-tall penguins. King penguins, to be exact. The penguins looked at each other and started to gakker excitedly once more while waving their wings.

The other students in the room laughed at the penguins' antics, even though Harry couldn't quite hide his disappointment that the twins' form, while amusing, was rather useless, too. Hermione's slight frown indicated that she had similar thoughts.

"Well, they are kind of cute, too. And useful if we want to swim," Ginny said consolingly.

Luna, in the meantime, had approached the animals again and now shook the wing of the penguin on the left.

"Hello Mr Penguin, I'm Luna Lovegood," she introduced herself.

"Gak gak gak!" answered the penguin.

Then, the twins reappeared with a swirl of colours. Luna was still holding Fred's hand.

"Thanks, Hermione," George said encouragingly. "We really like our forms."

"Bah!" Ron sauntered into the middle of the group.

"I'll show you," he announced confidently, "I bet I'll become a lion."

With that, he downed his cup.

Ron disappeared in a swirl of colours. There was only an empty space left, and Harry wondered where Ron had disappeared to.

Then, he noticed something small lying on the floor.

"EEEWWWWW!" Ginny exclaimed.

On the floor lay a rather large, brown slug.

Harry grimaced.

"Well," Hermione muttered, "it mostly eats, doesn't move much, has no higher cognitive functions, and is rather disgusting. A good fit, actually."

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed with faux indignation. "How can you say such a rude thing?"

"Oh, don't worry," Hermione said dismissively, "Ron didn't hear that. Do snails even have ears?"

Harry shrugged. "You're the walking encyclopedia, not me."

The twins burst into laughter once more. Not even Luna seemed inclined to approach and pet Ron's form.

There was another swirl of colours, and Ron reappeared lying on the floor.

"Ough, that felt really weird," he muttered absentmindedly. "But I'm really hungry for some salad, now. Does anyone have salad?"

The twins, Ginny, and Neville laughed out loud.

"Well, that was very impressive, Ron. You have definitely shown us," Ginny said mockingly.

"Maybe you could try to fight Death Eaters by making them sick?" George suggested.

Slowly, Ron managed to gather himself again. His ears turned crimson, and he glared at Hermione.

"You, it's your fault!" he shouted and got to his feet. "You messed up the potion!"

"Ron, back off, you know that's not true," Harry said forcefully and moved in between Ron and the girl. "Hermione didn't mess up. Otherwise, the potion wouldn't have worked at all. It's no one's fault what our Animagus forms are. Just let it go!"

Ron crossed his arms and huffed but remained silent.

Harry shook his head with exasperation and turned towards Neville. "Nev, you're the only one left. What are you waiting for?"

Neville gulped nervously. But then he raised the cup to his lips and emptied it.

There was a gigantic swirl of colours, and suddenly Harry was pushed back by what appeared to be a huge greyish-blue wall moving towards him.

"Get back!" Harry shouted and pulled Hermione backwards as the wall moved towards them.

"Aaarrgghh!" another male voice screamed. Whether it was Ron or one of the twins, Harry didn't see. Soon, he and Hermione were pressed between the wall of the room and the blue wall before them.

"NEVILLE, TURN BACK!" Hermione screamed frantically while she hastily tried to fumble her wand out of her pocket.

Harry then realised that the blueish wall before him was not a wall at all, but the hide of a body. Of the body of an eighty feet long and fifteen feet wide blue whale.

Only a moment later, the mass of flesh retreated, and with a massive swirl of colours, Neville reappeared in the middle of the room.

"Oh, Merlin! I'm so sorry!" the boy exclaimed. "Are you all right?"

From the other side of the room, Ron, the twins, and the two other girls approached Neville. Harry was relieved to see that everyone appeared unharmed.

"Yes, we're all right," a shaken Hermione said.

The twins and Ginny nodded, slowly coming out of their own shock.

"I liked your form, but let's try it out in the Black Lake the next time, okay, Neville?" Luna asked timidly.

"Yes, yes, I'm sorry," Neville agreed.

"No, I'm sorry," Hermione said, "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."

"No, Hermione!" Harry disagreed immediately and took the girl's hand to console her. "It's no one's fault. It's okay. Nothing bad happened. All right?"

Neville and the girls nodded.

"Well," Harry said after a pause, "I guess that's it. I suppose we've all learnt a valuable lesson today... Though I'll need a while to figure out what it is exactly..."

The others nodded in silent agreement, and together the eight shaken and disappointed students left the Room of Requirement.

#

**Three years later (maybe)**

"I'm invincible!" exclaimed Voldemort with an evil laugh as he walked through the Forbidden Forrest to join his Death Eaters' assault on Hogwarts.

"With the dark rituals done and the wards around my person complete, no magic, no human, no magical animal, no mundane beast of prey, and no reptile can harm me! Nothing can go wrong, now! MUAHAHAHA!"

Suddenly, a brown mass of fur fell on the Dark Lord from the tree above him.

Before Voldemort could react, three long claws were driven deep into his chest.

"NO! It can't be!" Voldemort exclaimed as the life left his eyes. "NNNNNOOOOOOO!"

—

A/N: So, yeah, that happened... Don't know what possessed me to write this. If anyone wants to turn this into a multi-chapter story on how this random assortment of animals drives out Umbridge from Hogwarts, fights Death Eaters, and destroys Horcruxes, I'd love to read it... But I won't be the one writing it. Not for now, at least. Anyway, thanks for reading, and I'm always grateful for any feedback.


	3. The Masters of the Elder Wand

_**Harry Potter and the Masters of the Elder Wand**_

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_Summary: The one where Harry learns that disarming Draco one year after Draco disarmed Dumbledore won't give him the allegiance of the Elder Wand... This is mostly a personal comment on the ending of HP and the Deathly Hallows. Contains a few short excerpts from the book._

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The exhausted defenders of Hogwarts, the students, teachers, members of the Order of Phoenix, and other volunteers watched on as Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort were circling each other in the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Apart from the Dark Lord, all Death Eaters had been subdued, and the fighting in the castle had come to an end.

A wand of hawthorn was pointed against a wand of elder wood as the two mortal enemies exchanged words before their final duel.

"You can't beat me! I am the master of the Elder Wand!" laughed Voldemort.

"You still don't get it, Riddle, do you?" Harry replied. "Possessing the wand isn't enough! Holding it, using it, doesn't make it really yours. The Elder Wand recognised a new master before Dumbledore died, someone who never even laid a hand on it. The new master removed the wand from Dumbledore against his will, never realising exactly what he had done, or that the world's most dangerous wand had given him its allegiance..."

Harry paused for a moment, before he revealed, "The true master of the Elder Wand was Draco Malfoy."

Blank shock showed in Voldemort's face for a moment, but then it was gone.

"What does it matter?" the Dark Lord said dismissively. "Even if you are right, Potter, it makes no difference to you and me. You no longer have the phoenix wand. We duel on skill alone... and after I have killed you, I can attend to Draco Malfoy..."

"But you're too late," said Harry. "You've missed your chance. I got there first. I overpowered Draco weeks ago. I took his wand from him."

Harry twitched the hawthorn wand, and he felt the eyes of everyone in the Hall upon it.

"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it?" whispered Harry. "Does the wand in your hand know its last master was disarmed? Because if it does... I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

The tense silence was interrupted by a shriek in the audience.

"Wait, _that's_ how you get the allegiance of the wand!?"

Harry glanced sideways and saw that Ginny had stepped forward, an incredulous and slightly panicky expression on her face.

"Because- because I disarmed Malfoy in a fight between the DA and some Slytherins at the beginning of the school year!" the girl explained. "Does that mean that the wand belongs to me?"

She looked at Harry with wide eyes. "Quick, Harry, you have to disarm me!"

"But- but I disarmed you when we were training for the DA!" Neville interjected from further behind. "And so did Padma, and Luna, and Dean, and Seamus, and and... probably several more people, and I have no idea who did it first."

"I did disarm you, Ginny, but I think _you_ disarmed _me _more recently," Padma Patil said from a few yards to the left.

"Stop, I believe _I_ was the first person to disarm you after that fight with the snakes, Ginny," Susan Bones shouted from the other side of the hall. "Remember, in that long mock duel between us last October? However, I'm not sure who disarmed me, first, after that... Neville, was it you again?"

Neville shrugged his shoulders. "It could be," he said hesitantly.

"And I bumped into you, Neville, in our common room and you dropped your wand, and I picked it up for you... does that count?" Dennis Creevey added with a worried voice.

"Oh, and Susan, remember how I took your wand when you slept and hid it as a prank?" Hannah Abbot interjected. "That was also in October..."

"But- oh no!" Susan exclaimed. "Didn't Pansy Parkinson disarm you in a fight last week?"

"Really?" Professor McGonagall asked. "I confiscated Miss Parkinson's wand when she was harassing some first-years three days ago. Maybe..."

"But Minerva," Professor Flitwick said, "I disarmed you yesterday to stop you from cursing the Carrows! That means that-"

"It doesn't matter, as someone in the DA would have disarmed me long before Pansy did," Hannah interrupted. "It was probably Susan again, as I usually pair up with her for the duels."

"And I won all of the recent mock duels between the two of us, Susan," Neville added. "So..."

"But I won against you last week, Neville," Ginny interjected.

"But Hannah, didn't you disarm Ginny in the last DA training session two days ago?" Susan said and frowned. "But then you lost again, but I don't remember against whom..."

"Wasn't it Ginny again?" Hanna asked uncertainly.

"Really?" Ginny asked. "I think it was Padma. But then she lost against Parvati. Or was it the other way around?"

The two Indian twin girls looked at each other and shrugged. "We don't know," they said simultaneously.

"We had several duels, and I don't remember in what order. But I know that I lost my last training duel that day against Neville," Padma continued.

"And I lost against you, Ginny," Parvati added. "And against Lavender, but was that before or after our duel, Ginny?"

"And Neville, didn't you lose that last two-against-one fight that day against Hannah and Susan?" Seamus asked.

The Great Hall descended into chaos as seemingly everyone started talking over each other, trying to figure out how the ownership of the Elder Wand might have been passed on.

Harry and Lord Voldemort in the centre of the hall had almost been forgotten. The two mortal enemies had followed the discussion with confused expressions on their faces, both having lowered their wand slightly.

"So... uhh..." Harry finally said, "So who's the master of the Elder Wand now?"

He glanced towards Hermione, who stood at the front of the crowd a few yards to his right. If anyone could figure it out, it would be her. Dammit, he cursed internally, he should have talked to her about his suspicion in the first place! She would have immediately pointed out the flaw in his plan.

"I have no idea," Hermione said apologetically when she caught his gaze. "But most likely not you. Maybe someone from the DA. But we don't even know if Ginny was the fist person to disarm Malfoy..."

Harry sighed, but then he cleared his throat. "Alright, change of plans!" he announced loudly and turned back towards the Dark Lord, who kindly refrained from firing any curses until all the talking was done.

"Yes, new plan!" Harry repeated and gestured towards all the people filling the Great Hall. "How about instead of being useless as usual, and watch on while I fight alone, you help me, and we all start throwing curses at the Dork Lord at the same time, seeing as we outnumber him by something like five-hundred to one?"

"What?" Voldemort exclaimed with outrage, as suddenly hundreds of wands were pointed at him. "That's not fair!"

Harry shrugged. "So what?"

He waited for a moment, during which the spectators that had been standing behind the Dark Lord quickly hurried aside, to not be caught by friendly fire. All the defenders of Hogwarts formed a wide half-circle behind Harry, their wands raised against Voldemort.

"On the count of three, everyone, all right?" Harry then shouted. "One... two... three! _Diffindo_!"

"_Stupefy_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Sectumsempra_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Incarcerus_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Avada Kedavra_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Furnunculus_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Petrificus Totalus_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Incarcerus_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Confringo_!" "_Tarantallegra_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Avada Kedavra_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Sectumsempra_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Incarcerus_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Desaugeo_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Confringo_!" "_Incendio_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Bombarda_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Petrificus Totalus_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Incarcerus_!" "_Impedimenta_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Diffindo_!" "_Avada Kedavra_!" "_Reducto_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Stupefy_!" "_Expelliarmus_!" "_Diffindo_!"

When the dust settled, only a huge crater was left in the place where Voldemort had been standing. Of the Dark Lord himself, the largest part that remained was a dismembered hand that was still gripping onto the Elder Wand.

Unfortunately, the wand had also been cut into several pieces. The mystery of who had been its last master would never be resolved.


	4. Harry Potter and the Evil Mokeskin Pouch

_**Harry Potter and the Evil Mokeskin Pouch**_

* * *

_Summary: Why doesn't Harry simply put Slytherin's Locket with the Horcrux in his Mokeskin pouch instead of carrying it around his neck all the time? Here's why. OOC. Not for Ron fans!_

* * *

Harry sighed contently as he let himself fall onto the couch in the tent next to Hermione. Thanks to the girl's brilliant idea to put Slytherin's cursed locked into Harry's Mokeskin pouch, they were finally no longer bothered by the Horcrux's oppressive presence.

Hermione and Ron, who sat in the armchair in front of them, also seemed more content than they had been for weeks.

Harry was glad for it, as Ron especially had been acting in an increasingly rude and inconsiderate manner over the last days, and it had seemed inevitable that the tension between them would soon erupt in a major fight.

Their peace and quiet was interrupted by a low, rumbling sound that had all three of them looking up startled.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"Ron's hungry," Hermione said with an eye-roll.

"No, that wasn't me," Ron insisted. "I think that came from the shelf with the Mokeskin pouch…"

"Don't be ridiculous," Hermione said dismissively, but Ron got up and stepped towards the shelf.

There was another rumbling sound, clearly coming from the shelf this time.

"Did it- did it just move?" Ron asked nervously and stared at the pouch.

"I'm not sure," Harry said. "Do you reckon we should remove the locket from it?"

"Maybe…" Hermione said pensively.

Ron reached for the Mokeskin pouch but pulled back his hand when the bag visibly shivered, its opening quivering and giving off a sound that sounded almost like a growl, before it stilled again.

"Yes, yes, I think we should definitely remove the horcrux from it," Hermione said with a shaky voice.

Harry watched on as Ron very carefully extended his arm again, but when his fingers touched the surface of the pouch, all hell broke loose.

With a roar, the opening of the bag expanded widely, the bag catapulted itself forward and captured Ron's arm up to his elbow within its depth.

Hermione shot up from the couch with a horrified shriek.

"RON!"

Ron was frantically waving his arm, trying to shake off the bag, while he screamed in horror, "AAAHH, GET IT OFF, GET IT-"

The bag hissed, it opened its "jaws" even further, and propelled itself forward again. It enveloped Ron's entire arm, then his head and torso, muffling his high-pitched screams, and finally jumped forward again to swallow up his floundering legs, too.

"OH MY GOD, IT ATE RON!" Hermione screamed.

Harry just stood next to the couch, frozen in shock.

Within less than five seconds, Ron had been completely swallowed by the bag.

The Mokeskin pouch had immediately returned to its original size. Now, it innocently lay on the floor, giving off a content burp, before it started hopping towards the exit of the tent.

"Hermione, we have to destroy it!" Harry shouted, coming out of his stupor.

"But- but Ron-"

"He's dead. He died a noble death, the best we can do is honour his sacrifice and make sure that the bag and the horcrux don't escape," Harry stated solemnly and drew his wand.

"_Confringo_!"

The Mokeskin bag exploded into a thousand tiny pieces just as it passed the exit of the tent.

Harry noted with some satisfaction that he had just discovered a new way to destroy Horcruxes, though it couldn't quite console him over the loss of his first friend. Ron had been a right git over the last weeks, but it was still sad to see him go.

Harry turned around towards Hermione, who stood a few steps behind him. She would surely need his help to cheer up again, after what they had just witnessed.

The brunette was staring with wide eyes at the exit of the tent, her jaw gaping. But she didn't exactly appear distressed or grief-stricken, rather shocked and surprised, though she did seem a bit upset, too.

There was a long silence between the two remaining teens.

"Huh..." Hermione then mumbled quietly, her posture unchanging.

"Yeah..." Harry replied.

"That..."

"I know..."

"He..."

"I know..."

"And then..."

"I know..."

There was another long pause.

"Well..." Hermione then muttered and finally turned her eyes away from the tent exit, shaking her head slightly, "that wasn't exactly a dignified way to go..."

"I suppose..." Harry allowed.

Hermione looked at Harry, slightly arching her left eyebrow at him.

"A noble death?" she repeated what he had said earlier.

Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"He died fighting a monster?" he suggested.

"Except that he didn't fight, he just screamed like a little girl," Hermione reminded him.

"Fair enough," Harry conceded.

"We maybe should have helped him, though..." Hermione then said with a slightly contrite look.

"We probably should have..." Harry agreed.

"It all happened terribly fast, though..." Hermione said.

"That it did..." Harry agreed again.

"So..." Hermione said and walked back to the couch, slumping onto it with a sigh. "What now?".

"Well..." Harry said and sat down next to her, giving her a lopsided grin, "I can't help but notice that it's only the two of us left now..."

Hermione gave him a blank look. "Yes."

"So... I was wondering if you would maybe like to go to Hogsmeade with me sometime?" he asked nervously.

"Why would we go- Wait, are you asking me out on a date less than five minutes after Ron died?" Hermione asked, aghast.

"Er, well, yes, I suppose I am," Harry admitted, a bit embarrassed.

"Oh..." Hermione muttered. "All right then."

"I mean, Ron would've wanted us to be happy, and we should- Wait! Did you just say yes?"

"I suppose I did," Hermione replied with a coy smile.

"Wow..." Harry mumbled, a wide grin forming on his lips, and he leaned closer towards the girl, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Hogsmeade isn't exactly safe for us right now, though..." he said.

"No, it really isn't," Hermione replied with a low voice and also moved to closer to him. "Maybe... maybe we should just skip that part and get to the making out part already."

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea," Harry whispered back and fully closed the distance between them, bringing his lips crashing down on hers.

Their kiss soon deepened, and their hands soon started to wander, and when Hermione moaned in his mouth a short while later, Harry knew for sure that he had – surprisingly quickly – found a way to cheer her up again. And he would try his very best to cheer her up much more as the evening continued.


End file.
